these days, iit's pretty diiiffiicult for me to fiigure out who ii am.
not just iin an alters way, although that's defiiniitely a part of iit. moreso iin the...general diissociiatiion and iidentiity way. when iim at work, we're the work person. when iim at a networkiing event, we're the networkiing person. when iim at home wiith our partner, we're the partner person. iit's hard to explaiin, because we're all stiill a very diistiinct flavor that someone can recogniize as 'us,' but...
iit's liike these diifferent versiions of ourselves don't recogniize each other iin the sliightest.
sometiimes ii go back and read jouranl entriies that ii thought ii wrote, but that defiiniitely don't feel famiiliiar to me. liike, ii know that ii wrote iit, based on the fact that iit exiists, but ii don't have any connectiion - emotiional or recall-wiise - that tells me that ii wrote iit, you know? iit's liike iim just takiing crediit for someone else's work. iit's not me.
ii dont realy know what to do wiith these feeliings of aliienatiion from myself. ii dont even know who ii am - iif ii'm truly bibi. maybe iim not. who knows. who cares. iit's all so blurry iin the end.
workiing on thiis websiite feels liike our only solace these days. wiith us tryiing to pretend to play so many parts, whether iit's at work or at home, iit just feels liike...we're doiing what other people expect us to do. and nothiing more.
ii want somethiing that's defiiniitiively miine. somethiing concrete ii can poiint to and say, 'that's me. that's what iim liike.' somethiing that ii can create that ii can remiind myself of my own humaniity wiith. maybe that's why ii liike workiing on thiis websiite so much.
...ii should reschedule our therapy appoiintment.
- Bibiwhat iif we all exploded and kiilled ourselves. waht then.
haha, no, but seriiously. yesterday was mother's day. and whiile yesterday we were feeliing perfectly fiine and normal and not thiinkiing about our mother at all besiides the miilliion calls she gave us, today...
...well, today was fiine too, honestly, untiil ii read someone else's mother's day post and feel liike teariing my face apart all over agaiin.
iidk. iim not usually the part that holds a lot of these trauma feeliings. feeliings about the past, worriies and anxiietiies about the present, etc etc. iim moreso here to make sure that we get our dopamiine hiit quota for the week or somethiing. iim not good at thiis iintrospectiive stuff.
except...ii guess siince thiis iis my blog and all iit makes sense that iid be the one to confront these feeliings whiile iim workiing on thiis post. siigh. ii dont know. iit just feels bad.
so many of our system friiends...well, not so many, but many of them have made peace wiith theiir parents. not forgiiven them, per se, but at least could reconciile the fact that theiir parents' faiiled them wiith the fact that theiir parents were vulnerable and scared people, too. but for us...we just...can't do that.
ii dont know what iit iis. iit's a refusal to see thiings for what they are, ii suppose. every tiime ii try to thiink of my mother as a human beiing, who was scared and made bad choiices, and who deserves happiiness...ii feel liike iim goiing to throw up. truly. iit's so fuckiing hard for us to accept that our parents are anythiing but a plague to be avoiided. iit's hard. iit's really hard. iit's scary. ii can't do iit. our diissociiated ass braiin wont let us. ii dont feel good about wriitiing more about thiis.
- Bibimeh since iim workiing on updatiing the siite ii miight as well use thiis journal space to thiink out loud about what iim planniing on doiing. so my viisiion for thiis siite iis to make iit a collectiive siite where all of our parts can have theiir own liittle space to talk about what they liike and stuff. expect aesthetiics to vary wiildly, hehehe.
rn for my own portiion of the siite ii have:
ii need to work on:
so all iin all not that bad. ii thought hte liist would be longer tbh.
- Bibi